I have been thinking of this movie scene a lot recently. Yes, while Jareth the Goblin King’s fabulous rocker mullet, tight stirrup pants, and make-up are captivating…that is not why. I have been thinking about highly sensitive intimate relationships lately, due to clients I am working with, questions from you, and some personal relationship adventures I am experiencing right now. Many of us highly sensitive people can have a tendency to get into codependent relationships. Sarah illustrated the breaking free of a codependent relationship in that clip you just enjoyed (probably over and over, I watched it a couple times too).
Please check out this list of patterns and characteristics of codependence from Codependents Anonymous: http://www.codependents.org/tools4recovery/patterns.php
This is also a helpful link: http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/go/codependency
I actually find the wiki page on Codependency to be excellent and perhaps the best resource: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency
And, in a related nature, I find many HSPs who relate to work on adult children of alcoholics whether or not you had an alcoholic parent. We have been living in an addicted world and some HSPs grow up with reactive HSP parents who exhibit similar behaviors to those of an alcoholic: http://www.adultchildren.org/lit/Laundry_List.php
Codependence means that you NEED someone rather than CHOOSE someone. So, why is it that many HSPs can get stuck in this needing someone? There are a few reasons, and you better believe that I’m going to philosophize about one of our favorite classic 80′s movies to illustrate.
We all come into the world dependent. As babies we are totally dependent on someone to care for us, we can’t do anything for ourselves. As we get older, ideally, our bodies develop, our minds develop, relationship skills develop, etc. We develop. We follow a process of separating from caretakers to ideally be independent and care for ourselves.
Here’s the trick for HSPs, they come into the world highly sensitive to all the stimulation, emotions, sensations from the world. This is all before they can do anything about regulating stimulation for themselves or even before they can think. Even with the best of caretaker, many HSPs feel overstimulated and get in the habit of managing all the emotions and stimulation from the outside world. They get in the subconscious habit of focusing their attention on outside influences to manage it for their own sense of peace. They don’t know the difference between their own feelings and those of others.
This often leads an HSP to grow up taking care of others (perhaps everyone they know to some degree), AS A HABIT NOT A CHOICE. Even parents are taken care of. HSPs often feel like even if they wanted to, they CAN’T have their own emotions, issues, frustrations because that would upset those they are “taking care of”. HSPs often don’t know who they are, AND, don’t know that they don’t know who they are. They may notice others who seem to be so social–knowing what to say and how to say it, seem to have so many interests. HSPs don’t know why they don’t feel the same way, why they don’t know what to say, or even what they like. Some HSPs decide that’s just the way they are, that they are most happy when others are happy and dedicate their lives to others. However, I promise you, you have a self. Everyone does.
A second fun component of this whole deal is that HSPs are usually so different than most other people they are around, that they haven’t had exposure to things they are interested in. Or, they have been criticized for their interests. They then often look to other people to tell them what to like and what to do.
A third exciting component is that HSPs know what people need often before the needer does. HSPs are really great at serving others, many of us are in human services positions for this reason. You are often the one that friends go to in a bind. You do a lot for everyone in your life, and they like it. Who wouldn’t? AND, it is a human need to feel wanted. So, this is how you feel wanted and important–for taking care of others–because your self hasn’t been available (reasons listed above) for wanting.
Sarah (and many HSPs) project their desire to feel wanted and ability to get their needs met onto their partners, friends, and other important family members. Sarah was right at the developmental stage where she was breaking free from feeling like she needed her parents to care for her. She realized that she had been giving her power to Jareth, that he didn’t inherently have any power over her. She liked feeling wanted, attractive, unique, and important…but she didn’t like the power that she gave away to Jareth to feel this. She didn’t like the way he treated her, manipulated her, and didn’t respect her boundaries. He did whatever he wanted to regardless of what Sarah wanted. Jareth characters make a nice complement to the HSP codependent. They want to be taken care of, like to make all the decisions, want to feel powerful, and are aggressive. Both these characters NEED each other because they project their power onto the other to get their needs met.
“Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave.” Jareth
Sarah used to agree to this, but now she knows better.
“You have no power over me!” Sarah
For these two, it was the end of the relationship. However, both partners in highly sensitive codependent relationships may have realized that something was amiss. Both may be willing to work together to change the relationship dynamics and place better boundaries.
Codependent relationships can happen between all types of people in all types of relationships. Perhaps you have friends who are often getting into rough situations that you are always helping them out of. Perhaps you have bitter, angry friends that you are always supporting or feel that you have to constantly explain yourself to. You are the one putting up with something you don’t deserve. They too feel that they are putting up with you, someone who is rigid, emotional, and has no opinions. They also don’t respect you or your boundaries if you don’t. Whatever the relationship, they may react when you start setting boundaries. And, just as Jareth disappeared, you may find some who will fall out of your life after you set boundaries and take control of your own life. They may want to keep the power dynamic, even though they aren’t truly happy with it either.
You don’t have to be intimate, vulnerable, and open with anyone until you know that it is safe to. Test out relationships, don’t just jump right in assuming the best. See what happens when you say “no”. Is it respected? If so, continue to test the waters until you feel safe that you can open up more and what you share will be respected. If your preferences, boundaries, and desires are not respected, don’t go any further with this person until something changes. You can address the issue with them to see if they want to change. They may be a work associate and you can just keep a professional relationship with them. If they were someone you were considering dating, now you know that they are not for you. You can only attract your ideal partner when you are acting as an ideal partner, one who respects themselves and does not settle.
We have some cultural stories of princesses being rescued by prince charming. It is a story of wanting someone to approve of you and then you will feel just right. Many HSPs seek to “fix” others and take care of others because on a deep level they feel that they need to be fixed and they are acting it out.
You are just right as you are. You have a self. You can get in touch with your own opinions when you listen to yourself first and foremost. You are enough. You can take care of yourself now.
Interdependence is something that two independent people can choose. Until you are independent, you will need others. Find ways to take care of yourself instead of waiting for someone else to do it. Listen to your self, discover yourself, so that you can have a self to express and that others can be attracted to. Make yourself make decisions. Be active, rather than being something that is acted upon. Approve of yourself, then you attract people who also approve of you just as you are. You can then choose to be with them, rather than need anything from them.