It has been a while, huh?
Two months.
A very interesting and important two months for me.
Here is a one sentence summation: everything I have been wanting hit me all at once.
I believe passionately in supporting sensitivity and in supporting those with the trait of sensitivity. I have been working my buns off to build resources and to support myself financially while I’m at it.
As they say, ask and ye shall receive.
My calendar FILLED to max capacity and I got really tired. I didn’t post on here for TWO MONTHS.
I thought “Maybe I CAN’T do this”, “I want to run away screaming”, “I don’t want another person to call or email”, “This is TOO MUCH!”
I am laughing right now, out loud, as I recall this. I was literally panicked as I thought about what everyone wanted from me. How would I do it all?!
Guess what I was missing? ME!
All of this was in my life because I asked it to be there.
I was feeling like I had to find away to fit everything that came at me into my life. This is common for HSPs. We often feel that we are at the mercy of what is going on in the outside world. This can lead us to avoid the outside world or be passive in the outside world and be overwhelmed.
We are naturally more responsive, more open. We don’t naturally have boundaries. Any boundaries that are in a HSP life MUST be put there intentionally. And, it is a really simple process once we learn it. But, it doesn’t come naturally and many of us have not been taught it.
We are naturally very aware of the outside world because we don’t have that hardy thick skin that much of the population does, we are thin-skinned. So, from day one the world is coming at us and we don’t know any other way to be.
We often get in the habit of just trying to manage it, being the victim, or avoiding it. We are often great at telling people when we feel hurt or overwhelmed, and that’s it. We are great at saying “Ouch!” And that’s it. Or, we block out our feelings and plow through, hoping to get it all done someday and then have a break as we are living a split life of super-human machine and dead-beat slug. Or, some of us just tell ourselves we can’t handle the world and stay inside, literally and/or figuratively.
Well, guess what?!
We have voices. We have the ability to act. This is your life. And, this is my life.
You can interact with the world. You are not a passive victim. You too have the ability to act, just like the rest of the world. That was the point I was missing.
We can say yes AND no.
You like and dislike things, and that is the way you are set up. It is just right to dislike things…and say no to them. It’s just right to say no to people, even if they really, really want something or they will be really, really sad.
Think about this: EVERY THING in your life is there for you and because of you.
So, why is it there if not because you want it to be?
There is no point in having anything in your life that you don’t want.
You don’t serve anyone by trying to accommodate.
I learned this intensely and quickly. I learned to say no because I had no more spots in my calendar.
And, I was tired. I can’t support anyone when I’m tired.
All these people were contacting me because I had asked them to, I had made myself available and offered services.
So, I made a profound and simple shift.
I set up my life for me.
I shifted from what do I HAVE to do, what SHOULD I do, what CAN I do to:
WHAT DO I WANT TO DO?
I thought about my day and what allowed me to breathe easily. When I looked at my schedule, what allowed me to be excited and looking forward to it?
I set the structure and schedule that worked for me. I realized there are concrete reasons for the way I feel. Cause and effect.
Just thinking about the fact that I could change my schedule to fit me felt delicious. I dropped a ton of bricks with that thought and got more energy than I had felt all week.
This last week has been one of the most delicious, prosperous, AND productive weeks of my life as I made joy, pleasure, and desire my guides.
I feel juicy and alive and that benefits everyone.
It’s really easy for us to be abstract and emotion-centered, that is our strength. So, we must be more intentional about making things concrete. We must make ourselves look at the objects, facts, figures, and physical world that causes our experiences. This allows us to take action. We have physical bodies for a reason…they help us notice what feels good and do more of that along with what doesn’t feel good so we can shift that.
I firmly believe that we all best serve ourselves and others when we only do what we truly want to do, after examining what is in front of us and what is inside of us. When we really allow ourselves to notice what feels good to our whole body and take action toward that, we bring what’s best to everyone.
And, we can only know what that is in any given moment. I can only know what I want right now.
So, all I ever have to do is be here now. Observing. Feeling. Doing.
Isn’t that a relief?
And guess what else is great?
You can change your mind!!!
You can always decide that something else feels better in a different moment after observing and feeling what’s happening then.
Want to know something else awesome?
You can always say two magical words and mean them: “I’m sorry”.
So, you DON’T have to try to be perfect. You already are just right. You just have to be here now.
When you’re here, you can do your best…and sometimes when we’re here we notice that we did things that caused a mess. And, you can always say that you’re sorry and do something even better.
It’s NEVER to late to be here now.
So, what’s all of this about?
I am seeing an awful lot of us HSPs running ourselves down (with awesome stuff, fyi)…including me.
The goal is pleasure, not perfection…you already are perfect. So perfection is like a cat chasing it’s tale. You’ve already got your tail and you ARE the cat’s meow.
There is no “right” and “wrong” thing to do with your life. There is no magical secret to figure out. There is only what YOU want. There is only what feels good in your body. So, let go of figuring it out and start tuning into what feels delicious in your body.
We all need pleasure, and when our lives are low on it we will start leaching it from any source available. This causes overeating, eating lots of sugars and fats and carbs, staying up too late to take time for ourselves, sleeping in, clinging to others, addictive use of all kinds of mood/mind/body altering substances, and all manner of needy/codependent behavior.
Start running your life by taking charge of your pleasure.
Your pain is your body’s way of telling you to change. Discomfort is happiness not giving up on you.
I have been loving this song lately:
Florence and the Machine “DOG DAYS ARE OVER” Music Video from LEGS MEDIA on Vimeo.
I love that idea that happiness hit me like a train on a track or a bullet in the back. Those are two ways I never would have described happiness before. But, it is after all of us. It is our birthright. It is the way to health. It is the way to best serve all forms of life that we come in contact with. And, it just feels good. It is ALL good. Everything in our life supports us in better enjoying our selves. SO, even that stuff that seems awful and feels painful is just right and is telling us how to have more pleasure.
The way our culture, technology, and our world are developing is opening us up to have access to EVERYTHING. There are no excuses folks. Start living your life. Take charge of your joy. There is no reason to not love every part of your life or be working toward that, this includes your job.
I was thinking about this, as I listened to the Florence and The Machine song I posted above. I was walking on my way to my beautiful office and contemplating how amazing my life has become as I really started to let myself be here now. I never would have or could have planned this kind of a beautiful life for myself. In fact, I felt tortured most of my life and miserable, trying to “fix” myself. I realized that “torture” was happiness, hitting me like a bullet in the back. I hid around corners and under my bed. I killed it with kisses, and from it I fled. Oh, how I have come to realize with greater and greater depth that everything and everyone are just right as they are.
As I was rocking out to the VERY part in the song that says “Can you hear the horses? ‘Cause here they come!”…
I actually passed a store with this in the window:
YUP.
The dog days are over. No more waiting for happiness. Everything in your life is there to support you. It’s all about pleasure. The horses are literally here, I have the picture to prove it (you can see me on the left taking it…I don’t even get surprised by this stuff anymore, just amused).
I used to only be able to hope that my life could be filled with pleasure, now I know.
If you want to learn more about this and how to have it in your life, please join the lovely Kristen Domingue, Women’s Power and Pleasure Coach, founder of Begin Again Wellness, helping women overwhelmed by their hormones take back control, and I for a FREE 1 hour tele-class designed to give you…
In this FREE 1 hour tele-class we’ll share with you:
- Our hypochondriac-proof method to hear the hidden messages of your body (so you can start understanding what you really need)
- How to turn your To Do List (aka your Steps to Being Perfect list) into your private treasure map toward the life you want (while still handling business!)
- Turn sensitivity into sensuality
- Learn the secret connection between your sensitive body and your ability to manifest magic
- Finally get your body and mind to start moving in the same direction!
I look forward to having you on the call and finding more pleasure than you ever thought possible!
Remember, the horses are coming, so you better run.
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Ane, thank you for this post. I imagine you skipping down the sidewalks with a lovely grin, the sun in your hair, everything coming together in a magical way … just thinking about that makes me very happy and motivates me to do it for myself! Great timing. Just what I needed.
Love, Shelley
Way to own your power Ane. I have been missing your posts. so glad the horses are here. me too!
Great blog Ane, glad you are back I have missed you on this blog.
Pat
Interesting…
I think my philosophy digresses from the one described here. It sounds vaguely like a recipe for narcissistic, neo-hedonistic living. I'm really not trying to be harsh, but i'm not quite sure what else to label it. I found myself wanting to agree with elements of this post, but I simply can't reconcile them entirely with a conviction that we live the fullest life when we — indeed, take charge of our life, but this is the first step of many — are able to strike a balance — or rather, a harmony, as they are bound together — with doing what is best for ourselves, but also best for others. I don't think this looks like "I do what I want because it feels good and therefore is good" — in that case, you can be and do a lot of crazy and morally reprehensible things and it can be "good". This strikes me wrong because I'm thinking of friends who have been abused because someone was following "their happiness", etc. Am I making sense? Missing the mark outrageously?
I really appreciate the work you do, but I had to respond to this post. I just don't think our happiness — however lasting or fleeting — always justifies blatantly selfish actions. I'm not in any way implying that you live this way, but from the writing it seems that at times we are being encouraged to forget about the implications of our choices. In the moment, it might make me happy to do something that hurts someone (I'm not saying this in the sense of HSP overanxious-overzealous-guilt and shame for everything — I'm talking about clear moral choices), but ultimately it is best for others (and ultimately, for myself) to forgo such a situation. Living by your happiness only gets you so far; our happiness can be quite deceptive and not very far-reaching in its consideration at times. I think I would say it may be better to live a life doing what you are uniquely gifted to do and simultaneously are fulfilled doing, and that joy — a lot less fickle than happiness — is a steady stream flowing through and from that. Sometimes we choose to deny our happy-compass in order to help others; usually this ends up being more fulfilling in the long run, but for a while it may feel less than "happy" (I'm thinking of being a parent, in particular here). What do you think? Perhaps I have misconstrued your meaning and if so I apologize (it's pretty late here!). I'd love some clarification : ) (or, as it may be, a rebuttal… : )
K,
I appreciate your response and your openness for discussion.
The message I intend to convey is that we are most responsible when we care for ourselves first. I think of the safety video that is shown before a flight. We have to put our oxygen mask on first before we can do anything for anyone else. Or, in the example of a tree, it can only provide fruit when it has gotten all that it wants to care for itself.
And, yes, I do take it a step further by stating that we can have only what we want in our lives. I want to clarify the difference between a want and an impulse or craving. When we are not consciously noticing what we really want, then we get cravings or impulses and as I said above we start leeching from any source available. In that way, I think it is irresponsible to NOT be aware of our wants and meeting them intentionally in a way that feels good all around.
So, I would say that happiness comes from a place of space and possibility, not needing or craving. We may have an impulse to do something harmful. For example, I may feel like hitting someone when angry. I am not suggesting here that we act on impulses. I am suggesting that impulse came up because there is something I want that I'm not getting…that I'm not intentionally giving myself. I may feel unimportant or be feeling obligated instead of choosing. SO, that IS what I'm suggesting. That we listen to what we want and act consciously and intentionally in all things, with self care as a first priority. This allows us to really GIVE. We can't really give if we feel depleted or obligated.
As a parent, yes, difficult and uncomfortable experiences may result. I still say that what is best for any child is to see that their parent is aware of their own state of being and doing what they can to care for themselves SO THAT they can then also care for their child. The more conscious parenting is, the better. As a parent, one can still ask themselves "what would feel better?" The more honest a parent can be in caring for themselves and managing all that they must, the more they are actually able to connect with their children as they are rather than trying to be something they are not or be "the perfect parent". Children don't want "the perfect parent", they want their actual parent. Sometimes that parent may be tired, angry, sad, etc. And they can feel all of those things AND be a great parent, honestly and intentionally dealing with the feelings in an effort to do what feels better rather than subconsciously reacting.
This line of thought reinforces that we are already just right as we are, that we all have our natural desires. Because we are just right, our desires are too. They are basic to our care. I suggest that we all look at them consciously and intentionally as our first responsibility is to myself. I must resolve all the pain I see in the world around me within myself first. This is what I believe is responsibility.
Please let me know if I have missed your point. Discussion helps us all be more conscious.
Thanks!
Ane
Ane,
Thanks for elucidating things a bit more. I really appreciate that you were so prompt and thoughtful in your response. And, I also am grateful you didn't interpret my questions as an attack but saw them as they were – a voice in the conversation for understanding.
I think I see where our arguments seemingly diverge — perhaps we are operating off of slightly different definitions.
I think a crux is this: I read your comments as conflating pleasure with happiness. Not to get too specific, but to explain where I'm coming from… I suppose I would see pleasure not as synonymous with satisfaction/fulfillment, but pleasure follows from it. And the reason this seemingly minute detail is significant is that I believe we have to distinguish between wants/desires that will lead to ultimate fulfillment for both ourselves as well as others (that ol' philosophical "the Good") from desires and pleasures that likely or certainly will not produce the best for one or the other (e.g., the example I provided about perpetrators of abuse, etc.), though both may elicit pleasure in some form or another, lasting or fleeting. When you separate a craving/impulse from a want in your response, is that akin to what I was/am trying to convey about distinguishing between pleasures and desires that are “for the Good” from those that are for and from selfishness/destructive motivations? I just want to be sure I’m not twisting your meaning. If I’m not wrong in this interpretation, we might be seeing things quite similarly.
I agree that we certainly must care for ourselves, accept ourselves (just-for-the-record definition: acceptance in my terms would mean that we see ourselves rightly — with a consciousness of the parts and pieces of ourselves that need to be nurtured, challenged, and grown, as well as a celebration of the unique gifts, strengths, and maturities we embody), and love ourselves (again, like acceptance, love in this sense means that we do what is best — not selfishly, but ultimately –>long term, for everyone. I would liken it to your oxygen mask example, or saying "yes" when we want to say no to something overwhelming or risky but would grow us in new ways, etc.). I certainly concur that when we doing what is best for ourselves, it is in congruence with what is best for others. The tricky element is discerning what is truly best for us. That perhaps is why I’m emphatic about the whole need-to-keep-the-whole-picture-in-mind thing in considering what might ‘feel good’ right now, but may ultimately not be in essence good later. I think your clarification about cravings and impulses vs. wants/desires was helpful, and it seems that maybe I just go a slightly different route talking about it.
One final (likely tangential) note: I agree that when we listen to what we are saying to ourselves – in our thoughts, in our senses, etc. – but sometimes simply hearing those voices and giving them space to express is enough, and grants us perspective to move forward. (An illustration: I’m reminded of a client working through Dissociate Identity Disorder who must give space for all those parts and pieces to be heard, however outrageous they may seem or sound, to express what has been repressed for so long. Only then can a person allow all these parts to merge into a whole person, with many experiences and needs and wants working harmoniously to meet them.) Maybe this looks like us remembering that we are free to choose, and thus ceasing to feel obligated, but renewed in our cognizance that we can choose to do what we love, and so forth. (I hope I haven't convoluted how I'm connecting this note to your post…)
ALL that to say: It may read like I’m disagreeing with you, but I think we might be saying something similar (please do correct me if I err though in this assumption).
Thanks so much. I truly enjoy your dialogue and insights!
Kate
Kate,
I think we are saying the same or at least similar thing.
The key, as you said, is realizing our unlimited choice. We can always choose and we have an unlimited array of options…so let us choose what will really be satisfying to our deepest self…and that is what is most responsible. It is not reacting to a craving or expecting anything from anyone else, it is responding to our body's natural messages which are necessarily just right. It is true use of power.
Thanks for your thoughtfulness and concern on this topic. It allows us to delve deeper, and then we all get to learn from it on the public forum. Sometimes the way I say things probably doesn't fully clarify things for everyone.
Keep in touch,
Ane
Ane, I am running too! Thank you for sharing the synchronicity of the lyrics and the horse window-display. WOW!
I watched the video: What a celebration. I am getting this and I'm lovin it!
Catherine