This past week and month have been a doozy for me. I am doing a lot of growth right now, shedding of the old and expanding into the new. In sum, I hired my Sensitive Sidekick and am getting used to not doing this on my own, I had to move out of the studio office that I had just settled into right as I launched my new program Sensitive Leadership, my husband got sick in this whole moving process, and I have been having some intense structural body manipulation that also left me congested and dealing with lots of physical issues…and oh, so much more.

I meant to close registration to the program last Friday, but had to deal with emergent issues that happened with the move, amongst other things, and did not have the energy to even open my laptop. So, I listened to that and rested as much as possible. And, I am leaving registration open until this Sunday at 12 midnight.

So frustrating. And, all I could do was keep going.

A number of you have asked about how to deal with family over the holidays, how to not be frustrated with them when you have to spend so much time with them and they have such demands of you.

A number of my friends are going through various intense and frustrating situations right now. “Why is this so frustrating? What to do?!”

I have been doing my Sensitive Shame Resilience course that utilizes Brené Brown’s Connections Curriculum and have had a lot of frustration come up there with the participants.

I have been wrestling with realizing that perhaps I have not been getting my point across clearly. Due to some conversations about sensitivity with some of my group participants, I posted about the basics of what sensitivity is and isn’t and got one of my highest amount of “likes” and “shares”:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was so frustrated to realize that the basis for why I do what I do was not already obvious. This post above is stuff that I realized I assumed. It was through this frustration that I got to see that my most basic assumptions were not clear. Many HSPs seemed to think that my work was about creating a space to be accommodating together. Rather than feeling dependent on hardy people for approval, they wanted to be dependent on one-another for approval. YIKES! No, this is not what my work is about.

Frustration left, right, front, and center!

How DO we get rid of that stuff…frustration is so FRUSTRATING! And so sticky.

And it’s no reason to stop doing what you want to do. It IS the process.

It’s so sticky that I KNEW I needed to write this post and I kept putting it off because I got frustrated thinking about it. I got frustrated because I didn’t know how to say it. I was waiting until I wouldn’t be frustrated…it got me.

So I have been listening to some words of inspiration from some of my favorites who talk about sticky subjects, Havi Brooks of www.FluentSelf.com and Hiro Boga of www.HiroBoga.com.

They reminded me about sovereignty, which is a subject they both talk about very fluently.

Wikipedia has a great definition that I am just copying and pasting here:

“Sovereignty is the quality of having supreme, independent authority over a geographic area, such as a territory. It can be found in a power to rule and make law that rests on a political fact for which no purely legal explanation can be provided. In theoretical terms, the idea of ‘sovereignty’, historically, from Socrates to Thomas Hobbes, has always necessitated a moral imperative on the entity exercising it.

For centuries past, the idea that a state could be sovereign was always connected to its ability to guarantee the best interests of its own citizens. Thus, if a state could not act in the best interests of its own citizens, it could not be thought of as a ‘sovereign’ state.

The concept of sovereignty has been discussed, debated and questioned throughout history, from the time of the Romans through to the present day. It has changed in its definition, concept, and application throughout, especially during the Age of Enlightenment. The current notion of state sovereignty is often traced back to the Peace of Westphalia (1648), which, in relation to states, codified the basic principles:

• territorial integrity
• border inviolability
• supremacy of the state (rather than the Church)
• a sovereign is the supreme lawmaking authority within its jurisdiction”

Are you the supreme authority on your life? Can YOU guarantee the best interest of your citizens? All the parts that live in you? Do you make space for all of them to live and be? Do you listen to them and give them what they want? Do you hold committee meetings or do you just react on your first impulse? Do you get defensive, untrusting, and protective? Do you have border inviolability?

Being you means that you WILL ruffle some feathers. You are here to be different, not the same. The ruffling is all a part of it. It is in these frustrating interactions that we whittle or hone or distill down to our most essential desires and new outcomes. It is the purifying fire that burns away all the stuff that was blinding us from all the “impossible” things we didn’t even look at. Then the solution sits before us. But, burning hurts. And, anything that is to give off light must endure burning. So the quest is not to stop shining, it is to learn how to burn.

We can either live as if we are a part of the whole or as if we are not. If we are not, then we must be defensive and offensive. We must take a step back and analyze, strategize, distance, armor, and attack. If we are, then we can engage. If we are, then we belong. If we are, we are. I am I am. And everything is here for me, so I can use it.

And, I love that there is debate throughout history about sovereignty and what it is. How true is that for life. How often we decide what is best for other people and that my version of “what is best for me” includes “what is best for you” as well. And it’s a tricky line.

Many HSPs are living in a dictatorship. Many HSPs are letting their fear and their weakness rule them. I know because I was one of them and I notice it even now in myself. Sovereignty is a battle for power. It’s a real battle and it’s real power.

Analysis is my addiction. I get rewarded for it SO often. I have brilliant ideas that people want to hear and it feels so good to get that fix. I can put things together in such a beautiful way in my head as a read a book, article, or hear a talk. But, it is a FIX. It keeps me weak, it keeps me in that cycle. It is not trusting in what is. It is not trusting that I already belong, am already capable and valuable as I show up.

Analysis and worry have kept me up at night, they have determined my schedule, they have determined my plans for the day or week or year, they have been harsh rulers over my self. This is not freedom.

I do not benefit anyone by accommodating their fear, their reactions, their weakness. But, they won’t like me for not accommodating it. When you are weak, everything feels like an attack. Response to the perceived attack is what makes you stronger. Hiding, protecting, and protracting continue to make you weaker.

I don’t benefit my self by keeping an open schedule because I don’t know how tired I will be that day from staying up all night thinking, because I don’t know how anxiety will rule me that day. I am making space to be abused.

If you are weak, then you have not been meeting your needs. You have not been having a committee meeting with all parts of you to come to an overall decision that is most important for you. This is not a point at which to shame your self and I do not intend to shame you. Just start listening, now. The shame is a tricky way to stay where you are.

To seek to stay safe means that you believe there is not a place for you here. That you don’t belong here.

And, there may not be a space for you where you are NOW, until you step into it.

That’s where frustration comes in. Frustration is resistance, this battle for power is real. It is also a sign to KEEP GOING. The more you buffer against frustration, the more you weaken your self. It is so frustrating for me to write this blog post. That’s how I know it’s important. It’s me moving into somewhere I have never been. Bushwhacking is frustrating. And so important. That’s how I create a world that works for me. The more I can just do it and “act normal” rather than freak out the less I give my power away to worry. The funny thing is that all results ultimately come from showing up and doing whatever it is you are doing. No matter how much you plan or prepare or analyze, it all comes down to showing up and working with what is.

Show up with your family owning your space, being sovereign. Listen to YOU when you feel that they are demanding something of you. Be your own supreme authority on what’s best for you and really respond to them in an honest way. I was thrilled recently to have one of my clients who was facing this issue and very nervous about it write me a victorious email stating that her mother had listened to her request for space. If you are not used to establishing what you want, then it may seem like no one will respect it. The first time you do it will be scary and then you will see that you are the basis for how you get treated.

And, as with all the changes I recently made, sometimes it is once we take the first step that a million other steps we didn’t realize we would need to take show up. We can only see them once we have taken that first step. I have found time and again that my plans always take longer to come to fruition than I expected. And, that’s ok. It’s the way it is. Do what’s important and keep doing it. Side note: my husband thought this quote from me was hilarious in regards to all my steps. “It’s like one step forward, 5 million punches in the face.” That is how it feels to me. And I keep going. A garden does not spring up over night.

We often live as these islands, trying to pretend that we are not connected. This is not sovereignty. Trying not to be on the map, or stay well-guarded and distant is a version of hiding. The funny thing about hiding is that we all know when someone is doing it, and we all just play along. “Oh, Ane’s hiding right now, so I better leave her alone so she can hide.”

Sovereignty is knowing that you are here, and being here fully with all your needs. So, rather than hiding, you might identify that one of your needs is to be alone and just own your aloneness, ask for it, or just actually be alone rather than bury your head in the sand. Sovereignty is interdependence, not independence or co-dependence. We are all connected, so the best thing you can do is to make sure you are getting your needs met directly. That feeds us all. And then we don’t have a you-shaped black hole to deal with. It’s tiring to be around a vacuum. It sucks, in fact.

In my recent move, I found an old iPod that I have been listening to as I stroll down memory lane. It’s a funny experience to time travel through music. As I listened to each song, I heard a theme of not feeling that I can meet my needs, but wanting to so desperately. A theme that there is always some unsafe element and that I always have to take a step back whenever something comes to me. Always trying to figure out HOW MUCH to trust, where is the line on faith so that I know how much to open up and how closed to stay.

Forgive the 90s-ness of this video, unless you are still really into the 90s (in that case, ENJOY!). I still find this song relevant and the lyrics deep with meaning.

Needs by Collective Soul

It is ALL feedback. Life is feedback. Use it.

Frustration about my message and how I communicate it, is helping me to hone it and be more clear. It is the only thing that could happen. It simply IS. And, it is what is leading me to write this.

Frustration cannot be avoided. It is part of the process. Honor your frustration and notice what it needs, notice what it wants. In order for growth to happen, there is no way around frustration. It’s not as if I try to create frustrating conversations, or situations where my clients will become frustrated. That’s just life, it just happens. I just don’t disengage with it. Being calm is an attempt to control. You can be you, be real, and be responsive to frustration and anger. You can engage in the moment with your honest responses, you can be a sovereign leader. You can be a Sensitive Leader.

Another song along Memory Lane was Dashboard by Modest Mouse, and a line from that which struck me was:
“Even needs have needs, tiny giants made of tinier giants.”

It takes a lot of space to for all our giant-sized needs. It really is a powerful PRACTICE, a practice that I work at every single day. There is so much shame for sensitive people because we have so many needs that are so big, and many of them that we are not conscious of. We have been told we are too much and want too much. We have been asked to be smaller and want less than we want, need less than we need. It becomes easy to feel minimized, therefore. It takes a lot of courage to stay big and to continue to expand. Make space to be big, to be you. To listen and understand what your needs are telling you.

When I first saw the space that I now live in (as of last week) and was considering the need to move, I had a dream about my self as Manhattan. In it, I realized that I was inhabiting the West or right side of my self when I first moved here. I lived and worked in the West Village. It felt safe there to me. I was in the right. I then moved to SoHo/NoLita which is in the center. I lived a block away from Centre Street. I thought this is where I would find my stability, my center. It was busy, it was where East meets West, the line where they touch. And then, no, it didn’t happen. My center didn’t happen there. I realized that my “center” is to my left. It is outside of my body to my left and I need to lean into it. I saw that this is where DUMBO is, where I now live and work together. It is a part of Brooklyn that is just across the water from Manhattan in between the Brooklyn and Manhattan Bridges. It is so interesting to me to realize that this is my center. This is my balance, the far left. It feels SO GOOD to be here. And I denied it for so long.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Everyone will have a different center, I think of it almost like a counter-balance. It depends on what you’re working with as to what will balance you out. I am naturally very analytical. And that means I can lean into the left a lot. I need to lean into the left a lot to experience stability. The left is the creative, spiritual, passionate parts of my self that I can so easily forget to use intentionally and call on as a gift. Silliness is a gift, playfulness and fun are productive. These are my sovereign mantras for my Sensitive Leadership. I hope you will come play with me in my new space, online or in-person.

So, because of ALL those gifts of frustration, I want to highlight a few changes to my website for you to check out that reflect my commitments in this new year:

1. More Play :: 1 Week Small Group Retreat Intensive

2. More Ease :: my new office space is also my home. I am no longer at the Cornelia address. It is now the Sensitivity Salon + Studio.

3. More Consolidation :: Sensitive Leadership is my greatest gift and it is what I am giving. Please check out that page and watch the videos even if you don’t want to participate. It IS meeting your hierarchy of needs as a sensitive person intentionally to get all that you want in your physical reality. The information there is essential. You can work with me from afar for 1-on-1 or just the Essentials program itself, in-person for retreats and intensives, and if you are in NYC I am going to be teaching regular sensitive + thriving Basics Groups that go through Elaine Aron’s workbook and my take on the basics of just understanding your self as highly sensitive as well as 10 Monthly Half-Day Weekend Workshop Sensitive Leadership Intensives in NYC. I have shifted the requirements and structure of my NYC meetup group, so please join me there if you are in NYC and haven’t already.

**Please Note that Sensitive Leadership is open until Midnight on January 1st, so register now.**

4. More Spirituality :: I am starting Super Sensitive Soul Streaming Sunday Services. Just check it out to check me out LIVE every Sunday. I want to give more, I realize there is so much more to give that I am just sitting on. Definitely check it out THIS Sunday and ask any remaining questions you may have about joining me for Sensitive Leadership, practice RESPONDING! Even ask me the questions you think might be “rude” or “stupid” or “crazy” or “boring” or “really lame”.

5. More Clarity :: Please watch and share this video (if you haven’t already) that explains why + what I think it’s important to know about high sensitivity and PLEASE ask any questions or add any pieces you think are important too.

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