Anedote — Boundaries + New Situations

At that time, I had a shaved head. Now, my hair is longer than it has ever been. At that time, I was subletting a bedroom in a small adobe house in Santa Fe, NM and I was sleeping on an air mattress. Now, I am subletting an entire house in The Hamptons that is furnished and I am sleeping in a VERY cozy bed with more pillows than I want to admit. And I can luxuriate as I lie and look up at the skylight. Before, I seemed to be looking at the skylight for an answer.

At that time, I was in a state of loss and I WANTED my physical surroundings to reflect that. It felt better to have a shaved head than to be looked at as if I was “normal”, as if I was just another gal at the grocery store buying groceries for dinner after work. No one could avoid seeing my loss. They came up to me at the grocery store and told me stories of daughters with cancer, religious practices related to hair, turbins and mystics, and asked me why I had done it. I got to connect with others through my loss, my emptiness. Without asking to be pitied or assuming I deserved it. I had never done that before. It was raw. It was enlivening. I had cut away something so related to femininity. It was confusing and intriguing to people. I was struck that someone I knew said, “I’m surprised that someone like YOU would shave their head.” There was so much tied up in image, so many hidden rules, roles, and expectations. Who was “someone like me?”

At that time, I had just left everything familiar to me. I had separated from my husband, my family, my god, my home, my things, my hair, my security and stability. I was feeling it inside and I needed my outside to reflect that. It was a relief to be alone, to sleep on an air mattress, to have nothing to care for or worry about. It was a relief to see that my life was ravaged, finally. It was destroyed. Yet, I could see the discomfort of others with this. They tried to give me things, offering things that I didn’t want or didn’t ask for. And, there were times when I did ask for things that I needed. It was SO hard for me to ask, I had been so self sufficient. But, it was a work out that I needed. I had the opportunity to ask in REAL need for the first time in my life and to really be provided for.

Now, again, I find myself separated from my husband (different husband, and not permanently), my family, my home, my things, and my god. And again, I am grateful for this respite. Yet, it feels very different this time around. The first time, I was scared and alone with no idea what I was doing or how I would live. I was broken by the pressures that I could no longer sustain. This time, I know that I don’t know what I am doing, and I know it’s ok to be led by my senses. I trust in my being. I have more abundance than ever and this decision comes from abundance. I have such connection with my husband now that our space is a welcoming for more to come in, not a separation. I have such support in the world in my work, my community, my friends, and family that I don’t need to be in a particular location to feel it and experience it. I don’t need all of my things to feel at ease. I don’t need an idea of god because I have so much space for so much possibility in my life that I don’t need to attempt to define the source from which I AM and ALL IS. I simply trust it without knowing it.

I am here in this space because I can be. I am here in this space because I am free to do and be in ways that work for me. I am supported by life and all that is. And so I can listen to my heart’s desire to have rest, quiet, space, reflection, and creative work flow. I can write. I can draw. I can cry. I can unravel. I can breathe alone. And this is a gift.

At that time, I was just having sex for the first time in my life. I had a very inexplicable case of what was called “vulvar vestibulitis”. I was literally unable to have intercourse because my vagina was SO sensitive and therefore constantly constricted. It was inflamed and no doctor could tell me why. I was petrified to be touched. It took every ounce of focus I had to just stay present. My sweet and persistent sensitive man was the first one to really fight for me. He knew that I could have sex and he knew that it was important. And he was patient and kind, going slowly and asking for feedback. We spent multiple sessions of just having him touch me slowly while I practiced relaxing and staying present to it. It took some time before we could actually have intercourse. And when we did, it was literally electric. I could feel my body’s energy shifting in profound ways. My hands buzzed with electricity and my body felt open in a way that I had never experienced. I wanted to let him in and he wanted to be let in. He had shown me. And I had given him the chance.

It has been quite a process since that time. I am now very comfortable with my sexuality in a way I never imagined I could be. My sexual experiences are satisfying and open. All the sensation that used to be so excruciating is now deeply pleasurable. I truly feel that I alone own my sexual experiences. I feel sexually free and satisfied to love and be loved. It makes me cry to think of all the journal entries I had written, wondering if I would ever be able to be physically intimate. Hoping to feel sexy and attractive someday, yet so unable to engage with others without feeling hurt, overwhelmed, and confused.

My whole body that was so inflamed then, is now stronger and sleeker than ever. I don’t turn to food to soothe and ground myself the way that I used to. I can open a bag of gluten-free cookies and eat just 1, maybe 2 or 3, and then stop. Before, if I was opening a bag of cookies that meant I was eating a whole bag of cookies on the spot.

And it is such interesting timing. My body was telling me that I needed this space. And I wrestled with myself. I said “can I really choose this?” Amidst preparations to make this move, this transition to spaciousness, Hurricane Sandy was announced. At first I didn’t take it too seriously, I thought it would be like Hurricane Irene. Then, I started hearing about mandatory evacuations. My building was literally on the line for a mandatory evacuation zone. We were supposed to evacuate 4 days before I was planning to move out. What a gift to already be packed, making arrangements, and heading out. The need to evacuate pushed us to get all moved sooner than anticipated. But, it was something we were all ready for.

While I keep hearing of the difficulties and recovery related to the storm, people still without power and those who have been displaced (including those in my old Brooklyn neighborhood), I am cozy in The Hamptons safe and sound with my sensitive hound. We run on the beach and watch movies, I read and knit by lamplight after taking long, hot baths. I am soothed at a time when so many are without. I am experiencing freedom and plenty in ways I never have before. And my sensitivity told me it was time for this.

I think of something I recently read from Carlos Castaneda in “The Second Ring of Power” ::

“The Nagual [Don Juan] had taught us all to be warriors. He said that a warrior had no compassion for anyone. For him, to have compassion meant that you wished the other person to be like you, to be in your shoes, and you lent a hand just for that purpose…The hardest thing in the world is for a warrior to let others be…When I was fat I worried that [others] did not eat enough…I did my utmost to fatten them and I meant only the best. The impeccability of a warrior is to let them be and support them in what they are. That means, of course, that you trust them to be impeccable warriors themselves.

“One day when I was with him in the city, I picked up a snail that was in the middle of the sidewalk and tucked it safely under some vines. I was sure that if I had left it in the middle of the sidewalk, people would sooner or later have stepped on it. I thought that by moving it to a safe place I had saved it.

“Don Juan pointed out that my assumption was a careless one, because I had not taken into consideration two important possibilities. One was that the snail might have been escaping a sure death by poison under the leaves of the vine, and the other possibility was that the snail had enough personal power to cross the sidewalk. By interfering I had not saved the snail but only made it lose whatever it had so painfully gained.

“I wanted, of course, to put the snail back where I had found it, but he did not let me. He said that it was the snail’s fate that an idiot crossed its path and made it lose its momentum. If I left it where I had put it, it might be able again to gather enough power to go wherever it was going.”

As I understand this, it is my duty to be impeccable. To do what it is that is true for me. I cannot “help” anyone. As I look at all that has happened in this time of transition and the way that the forces in the world move everything, I truly feel that I am a part of this and it is not my job to make anyone like me or for me to be like anyone else. Escaping my own poison and making the journey across the road as I took each step to see if I had enough personal power to do it has helped me to understand others when they are in a time of loss. So many people wanted to put me back where I was, to pick me up and move me. But, I was relieved to be where I was 5 years ago, out of that poison. And I am so proud for the distance I have gone with my own power, seeing that I have it and trusting in it.

I know that many HSPs have been worried about what they can do to support those who may be without the comforts that they themselves are experiencing. One dear HSP friend called it “Oasis Guilt”, which I think is so apt.

Many HSPs feel “Oasis Guilt” ALL THE TIME. I did. I constantly saw what I had that others didn’t. I saw how unfair life was. I felt the pain of others so deeply. I felt all that I had in me that could help others and I wanted to lay it on them. But, that was about me. And 5 years ago I was brought face to face with myself all alone without any distractions…not even hair. Now, I come back to face myself and I like what I see. I feel ok with what I see. I feel grateful for all that I have and all that I am. I don’t feel sorry for anyone, because I don’t feel sorry for myself anymore. I also see that there is a lot of pain and disconnection. I know that I do my best to resolve that when it comes from my own place of plenty. And a place of trust that others are powerful too. I need to honor their power, they can make it across the road and there is value in allowing that. There is value in seeing the human spirit face adversity and move through it. I trust in this process. I trust that I never know where someone is coming from or where they are going. And I don’t have to.

What we can all do is focus on being impeccable. Be as you as you can be. The more that you break out of your own limits, experience greater freedom, and share more of your self powerfully with the world the more we all benefit. I mean this as literally as possible. You may be a baker, a coffee shop owner, or a teacher. You have no idea the everyday importance of your comforting baked goods, cozy space to meet friends, or powerfully inspiring authentic lessons taught. What we each authentically offer is equal in value. The space to connect is as important as the connections made.

I was living a life completely in my head, hunched from trying to hold it all together. Overextending as I tried to “help” everyone around me. All the while, I created a whole life that was a lie. That didn’t help anyone. And it brought me to that pure and empty space on an air mattress staring up at the sky through my skylight. And I was grateful to be so broken open and alone, even though I felt terrible about myself. Many took pity on me and wanted to “help” me. They wanted me to be like them, just as I had wanted others to be like me. But lying there on that air mattress was exactly where I wanted to be, and where I needed to be.

And now, as our climate, our planet, our political system, and every system imaginable goes through big changes…there may be a huge temptation to “help”. And, as I sit here in my cozy Hamptons respite, I am planning projects that are bigger than I would have even dared to dream 5 years ago. By focusing on being ME, I am now able to be setting up systems that create empowerment, prosperity, health, connection, satisfaction for me and so many others. It is quite the paradox that by being more in my body and focused on what I desire that I am doing the “helping” that I spent so much time focusing on as I denied myself pleasure.

If you are feeling an itch to “help”…

If you know that you want to feel more alive…

If you know that you are very “in your head” and “disconnected from your body”…

If you want to give by being YOU, being impeccably YOU…

If you have felt trapped by not being able to do anything you want to, sexual norms, gender roles, body image, all kinds of cravings and distractions to doing what YOU really want and being in your body…

Then I want to invite you to a special call tonight that I am doing with my dear friend and developer of Pleasurable Weight Loss, Jena La Flamme. She is the epitome of listening to your sensations and using them to live a healthy life through pleasure.

It starts at 8pm ET/5pm PT and you can see all the details here :: Pleasure + Sensitivity :: Food + Sex

I am filled with gratitude as I consider the decisions I made 5 years ago to live impeccably. Others felt sorry for me, mad at me, confused by me, hurt by me, and left by me. And I know that what I did impacted them. I also know that what I did then that felt selfish and confusing, is what has allowed me to be where I am now serving more than I ever imagined and receiving more than I ever imagined…just by being ME. Being in touch with my sexuality, sensuality, and embodying my desires was one of the scariest things I did. And it has made all the difference for me. I hope you will join Jena and I tonight to hear more about this and consider what you can do to be more impeccably you as a means to serve in the highest calling you have :: YOU.

Sign up here :: Pleasure + Sensitivity :: Food + Sex

Here is a link to the blog post I mention and here is a link to the upcoming retreat. Please check them both out!

This video is from http://CultureOfEmpathy.com and it is with Karla McLaren who wrote the book The Language of Emotions. You can see more about Karla and her book at her site :: http://karlamclaren.com/

I like the way that she defines things, clarifies things, and shares her own experiences. She is a fantastic resource for HSPs. I highly recommend her book.

The solution, this book suggests, is that we turn pro.

Turning pro is free, but it’s not easy. You don’t need to take a course or buy a product. All you have to do is change your mind.”

:: Steven Pressfield in Turning Pro

Turning Pro is from the same author who wrote The War of Art and Do the Work (which I also highly recommend), Steven Pressfield. He writes about our resistance to live our lives. He writes about doing what we are here to do against all odds, because it is what we are here to do. He writes about turning pro, as opposed to being an amateur, in all that we do as an answer to what ails us. I have found this to be true for those of us who are sensitive and creative. We have a calling, these nervous systems are telling us a lot, and it hurts to not express or ground what is being given to us on the sensitive plane. Quick reads that I highly recommend and do my best to live.

They have recently launched Vie + Luxe, it IS the ultimate photo shoot experience.

They work with women to help them really feel their beauty. They have styling, coaching, and photography all custom-built by two highly sensitive gals who are leading their life with sensitivity.

We got together on the phone to talk about beauty, how important it is for Sensitive Leaders, why so many HSPs might have hang-ups with their own beauty, and what to do about it. You can listen to the recording below. I highly recommend it. Feeling and expressing your beauty is essential for leading your life.

Vie + Luxe Interview

Second, this is important. I think that a lot of emotional eating and issues with weight are related to trying to cope with feelings. And if you are highly sensitive, you are a good candidate for feeling a lot.

Kate is real and raw about her experiences, surely a loving guide to bring you to peace with food.

Check out her site at katestefans.com

And you can also check out an interview that I did with her about sensitivity, overeating, and negative body image here.